It's crazy to me how you can be so overwhelmed in one moment; and yet so sound in peace at the same time. It's a paradox.
This past weekend, I went on a spiritual retreat with my friends. I was not expecting anything to come from it; but after I came back, I felt so connected and together. I felt so much unity with my sisters and brothers in Christ.
I almost felt like a squeaky clean feeling; if I can even describe it as that. But in all honesty, that is not the point of this reflection.
Sometimes, it's interesting to me how someone can be so very oblivious to their own need for help and their need for restoration.
And what I learned this weekend is that I needed restoration desperately.
I needed it with my friends, family, and with God.
The past few months for me have been anything but easy. I have been challenged in everything. I would like to think about the saying "Everything was shaken that could be shaken", because it rang so true in the situations leading up to this past weekend. I was holding on to so many things that got violently stripped from me.
My securities, that I found out were prideful insecurities.
My heart that I thought was full of love, but really was full of deceiving malice and rage. My eyes that I thought were looking inward, but were truly looking at flaws outwardly.
Even though all of this was true; I can also say with confidence that I was working to love, and working to be a better person. I wasn't horrible. I am not horrible. There were just areas that I didn't want to face.
I can explain this, like anything else, with a passage of scripture. I remember reading about a time when Jesus was talking to a group of people, and the super religious were in the crowd. In the middle of what he was doing, he calls out the religious people (CALLED OUT!) and basically tells them that they may look good on the outside; but on the inside, they were just a casket full of dead mens' bones.
AHHHHHHH. That's deep. That's basically how I felt in some ways. I felt like there were areas that I decided to avoid and ignore, and those areas were eating me alive to where I felt like I was just bones.
Yeah. Real life. Anyways...restoration.
I needed restoration, and was very desperate. So I entered this spiritual journey with no expectation; but I did know that I just wanted God. I just wanted all that He had for me. I had so many pieces of my newly healed heart waiting for the glue to bring it together. I was waiting for that feeling of love that reminded me that the fight for the process of growth was worth it. I was waiting for that comfort to rest in, because I felt so wasted and tired.
I was waiting on God and I can honestly say that I found Him.
From the moment that we arrived on the first night, I could feel the love of an awe-inspiring God and Father. There were so many moments where I just cried; because there were things that I had been praying for, that I had passively given up on, that God brought release to.
Reconciliation. Reconciliation. Reconciliation.
Even now, in my own reflection on this past weekend, I am so overwhelmed by the power of love. I am grateful for the new gaze in my eyes of contemplation.
If I could sum up this weekend for me in a short statement, I would have to say these words:
"For I have seen the Lord in all his splendor and majesty and I am lost for words. I am lost for words. The heavens rejoice and the earth in glad. The people of God praise the name of the Lord God Almighty. Great and marvelous are your works. Great are you God. How matchless are you."
No words. No words.